Frequently asked Questions & Concerns - Kingston Funeral Service ~ Kingston Funerals - Helping Families Find Peace

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Frequently asked questions and concerns

How do I know if the death has occurred?

Look for movement to the chest. Can you feel a pulse? Does a mirror mist over if held to the mouth? Does the person respond to a pain stimulus?

If you are unsure then immediately ring for an ambulance.

Does the body need to be moved by a funeral director?

No - a body may be kept at home, with technical help of the funeral director, for several days.

Where is the body kept once it has been moved?

The body will be kept in our mortuary which uses refrigeration to aid the preservation of the deceased. The body will remain here until it has been prepared for the chapel of rest.

What do I do next?

You will need to make initial contact with a funeral director.

Where do I collect the medical death certificate?

You have no need to chase the paperwork.
If the death has occurred at home, the GP will issue the medical death certificate. We will collect it from the surgery. If the death occurred in a hospital we will be given the certificate by the bereavement office.

Where do I register the death?

IF the death occurred in Melbourne it will need to be registered in Victoria i.e.the state where the death occurred, even if the death occurred a distance from home. Kingston Funerals will lodge the application. If death occurred inter-state registration will be lodged inter-state by us.

How many copies of the death certificate will I need?

The Registrar will issue you with one copy. You will need another 4-5 copies to be able to send to the bank, solicitors etc..

How soon can the funeral take place?

It is best to allow between 2 to 7 days, however in particular circumstances the funeral can take place within 24 hours of the death. We will, of course, ensure that the date of the funeral is convenient for the family.

What is a chapel?

Our chapel enables us to conduct funerals of any denomination on our own premises, there is a viewing room which allows families to privately pay their respects to the deceased. Our Chapel is not subject to the tight time constraints of the crematoria. Feel free to bring along mum or dad’s dog to the farewell!

Can I bring in clothing for the deceased to be dressed in?

Yes you can, alternatively we can dress the deceased in one of our gowns.

Can I assist with the dressing of the deceased?

Yes, we welcome any family members that may want to assist.

Am I able to put personal items into the coffin?

Yes, you can put personal items in the coffin, however we cannot allow any metal and glass items.

What is embalming?

It is an invasive preservation technique that involves introducing a chemical preservative through the vascular system. We only suggest this option when a body is to be kept for some time, exported by air or the coffin is to be opened during a church service.

Burial or Cremation? Some facts:

In Australia about 75% of funerals involve cremation. Cremation is generally cheaper. Cremations are carried out one at a time and the ash (called cremated remains) which consists of crushed dried desiccated bone fragments is collected before the next coffin is introduced into the cremator. The five main crematoria in our area require 4 hours to complete the process. Cremated remains can be scattered in the Garden of Remembrance at the crematorium, strewn (poured over turf), buried loose or in an urn or casket in a grave or taken away by the family.

Do I have to have a religious ceremony?

Most funerals in Australia are of a secular nature conducted by a Civil Celebrant.
   
Can members of the family and funeral bear the coffin?

Most definitely - to help, we would give a quick briefing to ensure that all are prepared and we will be on hand to help at all times with carrying the coffin.

Is there any other mode of transportation apart from the hearse to carry the coffin?

We can organise horse-drawn carriages, motorcycle hearses etc. We can accommodate most requests for funeral transportation as long as they are safe.

How soon can I collect the cremated remains after the funeral?

You are able to collect the cremated remains the next working day, following the funeral. It is possible to have them back on the same day of the funeral as long as the service takes place first thing in the morning.

Is the coffin cremated with the deceased?

Yes. Once the coffin has left the funeral directors the deceased cannot be removed from it.

How do I know that the cremated remains I receive back are those of my loved ones?

The cremation process is governed by strict rules and regulations. The crematorium authorities take great care to ensure that every individual cremation is kept completely separate.

How much will the funeral cost?

There are several factors that determine the funeral cost i.e. style of funeral, choice of coffin, number of limousines required, etc. We will provide you with an itemised estimate of funeral costs(see funeral costs).

How do I pay?

We request a deposit to cover the disbursements (i.e. clergy, cemetery, crematorium fees). An invoice is sent out after the funeral for the balance to be settled.

What if I cannot pay?

If you are having trouble paying for a funeral that you have to arrange, each case is looked at individually. We realise that funerals are expensive we have no hard and fast rule. BUT PLEASE BE HONEST WIH US AT TIME OF ARRANGEMENT and we will endeavour to accommodate you.

EMBALMING

As part of our commitment to care of the deceased, we offer the service of embalming. The purpose of this is to give a more natural and peaceful appearance to your loved one. If you do not wish us to carry out this treatment, please let us know.

EMBALMING SERVICE

As part of our continuous attempts to improve our service, we recently launched a new Embalming Service. It is run jointly by Damian Meehan and Tash Davies.  As Damian and Tash are qualified embalmers, we can issue certification for the repatriation of remains to any part of the world.

They also regularly attend seminars and lectures to keep abreast of any new developments in the field.

We provide a service for other funeral directors on our own premises as well as calling to their premises as the need arises.

Our area of operation would normally be within a 60 mile radius of Melbourne, but if someone is in need of our service further afield, we will be happy to oblige.

As with our funeral service, Kingston’s Embalming Service is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.   What is modern embalming? The use of the word embalming means the scientific treatment of the body of a deceased person, ensuring freedom from possible infection to the living and at the same time giving a sense of consolation to the bereaved, by restoring a natural appearance to the deceased.  Modern embalming uses the Blood Circulatory System. In the US and Canada, modern embalming has become accepted as a normal and necessary procedure and has correspondingly developed in Australia during the last 70 years.  This modern technique involves the injection of sterilising fluids through the circulatory system, taking about one hour to perform. It is usually best if this work is carried out in a specially equipped preparation room at the funeral director's premises.  What consolation does embalming bring? After death there is a desire by the family to view the deceased before the funeral. In respecting these wishes, it is essential that conditions must be eliminated that may have a distressing effect, as well as being a danger to health.  The only precaution necessary is the application of embalming, which allows the deceased to be presented in the best possible condition, with a natural colour and the absence of odour or other unpleasant changes which would otherwise follow soon after death.  Modern embalming ensures that relatives and friends, who view a person, have a memory of one who is peacefully asleep. This process is not a costly one. At Kingston we include this treatment as part of our service when viewing is required.  What are the dangers from an un-embalmed body and what are the possible safeguards from infection? Scientific research confirms that with the cessation of life, certain bacteria are released which could be a danger to health if left unchecked.  In certain cases there is a real source of infection to the living by contact with a dead person that has not been hygienically treated. Modern embalming does afford complete peace of mind.  This science requires specially trained operatives with an extensive knowledge of anatomy, bacteriology, the principals of hygiene and sanitary science so that they may prevent dead persons from becoming unsanitary or dangerous to the health of others in the period between death and either burial or cremation.  Most airlines insist upon a certificate attesting to the hygienic condition for journeys by air .

N.B. YOU ARE RISKING YOUR HEALTH AND THE HEALTH OF YOUR FAMILY IF UNQUALIFIED MORTUARY STAFF ARE NOT PRESENT AT THE FUNERAL HOME

Good Grief — The Path to Healing from a Loss

Grief is the natural reaction to losing a loved one — grieving is also the road to healing from a loss. The funeral facilitates this process. It helps loved ones face the reality of the loss. It helps them to say good-bye. It helps them re-establish a support network.

The Grieving Process

We usually deal with the death of a loved one by going through various phases or stages. The process takes a grieving person from the intellectual understanding that someone has died to emotional acceptance of the fact. Healing from grief can be a productive emotional process that leads to a fuller, richer understanding of life.

Dealing With Grief — Stages of Grief

The Stages of Grief

What are the stages of grief? A search of the internet will turn up articles on 4 stages, 5 stages and even 7 stages of grief. The concept of stages has evolved from the “5 stages of dying”

Denial and Isolation — initially the person is in denial, “It cannot possibly be,” and may withdraw and isolate himself from others.

Anger — the person becomes angry about the situation and may place blame on herself or others, “It’s not fair that this is happening to me.”

Bargaining — the person makes a deal with God, “Let me live and I will do this …”

Depression — the person is overcome with sadness and despair, “It’s hopeless, why bother with anything?”

Acceptance — feelings have subsided and the person accepts the reality of the situation and decides to make the best of it.

The Real Meaning of the Stages

“The stages have evolved since their introduction, and they have been very misunderstood over the past three decades. They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives.” Dr Kubler-Ross
She goes on to say of the 5 stages, “They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or goes in a prescribed order.” Dr Kubler-Ross

Dealing With Grief — Your Grief

Your Grief — Dealing with the Loss of a Loved One

Be involved in planning the funeral service. Often reminiscing can serve to difuse grief.

Keep in contact with friends.

Don’t ignore your feelings. Talk about how you feel with friends and family.

Avoid spending a lot of time with friends who are also in a grieving period. This can lead to deeper depression.

Listen to music. This will help you access your feelings.

Spend time outdoors.

If you have a hobby spend some extra time doing it.

Exercise is important because it causes metabolic changes that can help relieve sadness.

Avoid drinking or drug use to escape your emotions.

If your emotions seem out of control you, don’t hesitate to talk to a professional grief councillor. Many people need help adjusting to the loss of a loved one.

You’re not a victim. Everyone has a right to grieve over a loss — however minor or significant. Feeling that your loss — whatever it may be — is more significant than others’ losses keeps you stuck and prevents you from enjoying new, happier moments.

To overcome grief ask, 'How can I make a difference?' rather than 'Why did this happen to me.' It is very difficult to deal with the loss of a loved one. The grieving period is painful. However, keep in mind that it’s normal to feel pain, and that, given time, it will subside.

Dealing With Grief — Helping Others

Helping Others — Doing and Saying the Right Things

If you have a friend that has recently suffered a loss, you can help them through the grieving period. And, remember that every person grieves differently, so your friend’s feelings of grief may be totally different than yours.

Here are some tips to help a friend through the loss of a loved one:

Acknowledge the death.

Refer to the deceased by name.

Be there to listen. Let to them talk about their feelings. Don’t worry about how you are going to respond, just try to be understanding.

It’s important that your friend remember their loved one, so don’t shy away from conversations or stories that involve the deceased.

If your help is not wanted, don’t be afraid to leave your friend alone. Let your friend know that you would like to spend time with them when they are ready.

Allow and encourage others to help because it’s important for a grieving person to have a wide network of support.

Commit to contacting your friend on a regular basis, once a week or once a month.

Take your friend out to have fun to show them that life still holds many pleasures.

If your friend remains depressed for a long period of time, find a tactful way to suggest therapy. Many people reject this idea but it can help.

Remember that it can take years of work before things begin to feeling normal again.

Don’ts…

Don’t fill in conversation with outside news. Other topics can overshadow the mourner’s grief.

Your friend may question his philosophy of life and death. Don’t use this as an opportunity to push your beliefs on him.

Don’t use cliches to try to console your friend.

Don’t talk about your own losses or problems.

Don’t try to take the place of the deceased.

Remember, it can take a long time for the grieving person to feel normal again, so don’t expect one visit to cause a change of heart. The most important part of helping a grieving person is being there when they need you, so make yourself available.

Doing and Saying Just the Right Things in Special Situations

Whether friends or family lose a loved one in infancy or childhood, through an accidental death, a suicide, an illness or naturally, you can respond in ways that will support their unique needs. Below are some special situations that make losing a loved one especially difficult. Keep in mind that more than one of the situations can apply to one death.

Here are some situations in which you need to be sensitive as possible to respond to he unique needs of the bereaved

Dealing With Grief — Death of Infant

Death of an Infant — Doing and Saying Just the Right Things

When Parents Experience a Perinatal or an Infant Death

Many people don’t realise how devastating it is for parents when their baby dies before birth or in infancy. Here are some things you can do to support a parent through this difficult experience.

When hearing the news that a baby has died …

Ask parents what happened. They may need to talk about the details. If they don’t want to talk about it, don’t pressure them.

Ask if the parents named the baby and if so, refer to the baby by name.

Visit the parents as you would if they had delivered a healthy baby. Bring them an appropriate gift.

Send flowers with a note (see suggestions for notes below) or offer a donation to an appropriate research organisation.

Let parents show you a picture and talk about the child. Be a good listener.

Ask to help make arrangements, such as helping the mother buy a special outfit for the baby.

During the baby’s services…

Include siblings in all activities. Let them ask questions. Answer honestly.

After the services…

Remember birthdays and anniversaries of the death.

Eventually, parents may want to go out. When they’re ready, let them know that you’re willing to watch their children or help in other ways.

Don’ts…

Don’t take control of the situation. Parents need control to help them work through grief.

Don’t bring up other people’s experiences. Let the parents focus on their loss.

Don’t forget about the father.

Don’t pressure parents to disassemble their nursery. They need to do this in their own time.

Parents may have a tendency to blame each other. Don’t take sides.

Don’t suggest having more children or adopting.

What to say…

Use your own words to convey messages like these:

'To have a new life end so suddenly is so very sad.'  'I/We are thinking of you. I/we wish there were words to comfort you.'  'I/We are shocked and saddened by your loss. We care and love you deeply.'

Don’t say…

'It’s probably a blessing.'  'You couldn’t have been too attached to such a new baby.'   'Miscarriages are just nature’s way of correcting things.'  'You can always adopt another baby.'   'Too bad you don’t have other children.'

'It’s good you have other children.'

Dealing With Grief — Death of Child

Death of a Child — Doing and Saying Just the Right Things

When Parents Lose a Child of Any Age

Parents usually take for granted that their children will outlive them. When a child dies, parents suffer a unique loss. Here are some things you can do to support a parent through this difficult experience.

When parents lose a child…

Ask parents what happened. They may need to talk about the details. If they don’t want to talk about it, don’t pressure them.

Refer to the child by name.

Send flowers with a note or offer a donation to an appropriate charity or research organisation.

Let parents show you pictures and talk about their child. Be a good listener.

Acknowledge the child’s life.

Ask to help make arrangements or do chores.

During the services…

Include siblings of all ages in the activities. Let them ask questions. Answer honestly.

Don’t feel guilty about saying or doing something that causes a loved one to cry or crying yourself. Crying is healthy.

After the services…

Remember birthdays and anniversaries of the death.

Eventually, parents may want to go out. If so, let them know you’re willing to watch their children or help in other ways.

Find out about support groups for bereaved parents and have the leader call the grieving parent to talk.

Don’ts…

Don’t take control of the situation. Parents need control to help them work through grief.

Don’t bring up other people’s experiences. Let the parents focus on their loss.

Don’t forget about the father.

Don’t pressure parents to clean out the deceased’s room. They need to do this in their own time.

Parents can have a tendency to blame each other. Don’t take sides.

Be loving and non-judgmental.

Don’t suggest having more children or adopting.

What to say…

Use your own words to convey messages like these:

'He/She was such a fine child with so much potential.'

'As a parent myself, I think what you’re going through must be horrible.'

'His/Her death is so unexpected. We’re saddened by your loss. We care and love you deeply.'

Don’t say…

'I know just how you feel.'

'Stay busy to take your mind off things.'

'God won’t give you more than you can handle.'

'You can always have another baby.'

'Too bad you don’t have other children.'

'It’s good you have other children.'

Dealing With Grief — Accidental Deaths

Accidental Deaths — Doing and Saying Just the Right Things

When Accidental Death or Homicide Takes a Life

Car accidents, fires, and murders are just a few of the unexpected ways people die everyday. Yet, it is exactly the element of the unexpected that makes these types of deaths difficult for friends and family. Police may be involved. An autopsy may be required by law. In some cases, family and friends are suspected of foul play. There may be complicated legal issues. Survivors often feel incredibly guilty that they didn’t do enough to prevent the tragedy. Here are some things you can do to support friends and family.

When you learn that the person has died…

Don’t push for details. Let survivors share the details they feel comfortable sharing. Focus on the survivor’s needs and be a good listener.

Refer to the deceased by name.

Make sure the deceased’s personal effects are returned to the family after an autopsy.
Send flowers with a note.

Focus on the deceased’s life — not his/her death.

Ask to help make funeral arrangements, but don’t be ashamed to admit that you have difficulty handling the loss. Set limits that you find comfortable.

During the services…

Include siblings. Let them ask questions and express their frustrations with the anger they see around them. Understand that their mischief, during and after services, may be this expression. Assure them, over and over again, that the death was not their fault.

Don’t feel guilty about saying or doing something that causes a loved one to cry or crying yourself. Crying is healthy.

After the services…

Remember birthdays and anniversaries of the death.

Keep in touch with the bereaved. Many times friends and family shy away from the tragedy. Be there for them when they need you.

Those close to the deceased, especially children, may need special attention. It’s wise to help them find appropriate therapy or a support group. The Coroner’s office should have a victim’s assistance program to inform survivors of their rights and upcoming court dates, etc.

Be sensitive that children may expect another death. Calm their fears.

Don’ts…

Don’t blame the victim by suggesting drugs, drinking, the 'wrong crowd' or other factors caused the death.

Don’t suggest what you would do or how you would feel. You are not the issue.

Don’t shy away from being involved. Your support is valued, but don’t take control of the situation. Loved ones need control to help them work through grief.

Don’t bring up other people’s losses. Let friends and family focus on their loss.

Don’t pressure family to clean out the deceased’s belongings. They need to do this in their own time.

What to say…

Use your own words to convey messages like these:

'It’s so tragic. I will always remember him/her.'

'What you’re going through must be very difficult. Let me know how I can help.'

'I’m saddened by your loss. We care and love you deeply.'

Don’t say…

'The way he/she lived, something was bound to happen.'

'Did they find the person who did it?'

'Forget about the trial and put it all behind you.'
'If this happened to me, I couldn’t go on.''God won’t give you more than you can handle.'

Dealing With Grief — Terminal Illness

Terminal Illness — Doing and Saying Just the Right Things

When a Terminal Illness Takes a Life

It’s not uncommon to feel helpless when someone has a terminal illness. When death occurs, there is often guilt at feeling relief. Carers can feel empty without the daily challenge of caring for their loved one. Here are some things you can do be supportive to friends and family following their loss.

When a person dies from a terminal illness…

Refer to the deceased by name.

Send flowers with a note (see suggestions for notes below) or offer a donation to an association that researches the deceased’s disease.

Let friends and family talk about their loved one. Be a good listener.

Acknowledge the deceased’s life.

Ask to help make funeral arrangements.

During the services…

Include siblings of all ages in the activities. Let them ask questions. Answer honestly.

Don’t feel guilty about saying or doing something that causes a loved one to cry or crying yourself. Crying is healthy.

After the services…

Keep in touch with the bereaved. Be there for them when they are ready.

Find out about support groups and have the leader call the grieving person to talk.

Remember birthdays and anniversaries of the death.

Don’ts…

Don’t take control of the situation. Loved ones need control to help them work through grief.

Don’t bring up other losses. Let friends and family focus on their loss.

Don’t pressure the family to clean out the deceased’s belongings. They need to do this in their own time.

What to say…

Use your own words to convey messages like these:

'He/She was such a fine person.'

'What you’re going through must be very difficult.'

'I’m saddened by your loss. We care and love you deeply.'

Don’t say…

'I know just how you feel.'

'Stay busy to take your mind off things.'

'God won’t give you more than you can handle.'

'At least he/she is no longer suffering.'

Dealing With Grief — Supporting Children

Supporting Children — Doing and Saying Just the Right Things

To Help a Child Cope with Loss...

Children can feel grief from loss as early as four to six months old. Like adults, children may respond to grief with humour, behavioural issues and sleep problems.

Be patient and tolerant, and encourage them to share their thoughts.

Here are some things you can do to support a grieving child.

When you learn that a person has died…

Send the child a note acknowledging their loss. Recognise their grief and fears.

During the services…

Include children in the activities. Be prepared to answer questions honestly that may seem inappropriate.

Don’t feel guilty about saying or doing something that causes a child to cry or cry yourself. Crying is healthy.

Introduce yourself to the child and refer to the deceased by name. Children are often uncomfortable meeting so many new people at once.

Minimise a party-like atmosphere. It conflicts with a child’s understanding of death.

Share a story about their loved one.

After the services…

Bring the child an appropriate gift.

Let children know that feelings of abandonment, anger and fear are all OK.

Children may need special attention to help them adjust to their loss. It’s wise to help them find appropriate therapy or a support group.

Recognise that teens may have difficulty talking with friends about their loss. Be aware that they may turn to alcohol or drug use to help them cope.

Don’ts…

Don’t hide death by telling a child the deceased is only sleeping.

Don’t shy away from explaining how and why the person died.

Don’t involve a child in discussions about moving or other practical matters. Speculative conversations may be misinterpreted and cause the child even more worry.

What to say…

Use your own words to convey messages like these:

'Sometimes we feel like it’s our fault when someone dies, but it’s not.'

'It’s hard to imagine someone we love has died.'

'I am so sorry your friend/parent/sibling died. I know you will miss him/her.'

'When someone dies, it’s OK to talk about how you feel.'

Don’t say…

'Now you have to be the big boy/girl.'

'Remember, now he/she is in heaven.'

'It’s a blessing that God took your mother, because she’s not suffering any more.'

'Don’t cry. Your family needs you to be strong now.'

Dealing With Grief — Death of Spouse

Death of a Spouse — Doing and Saying Just the Right Things

Helping a Widow or Widower Cope with the Death of a Spouse

Because couples function as a team, losing a spouse presents another set of difficulties for the bereaved person. Along with handling their grief, a surviving spouse may need financial advice or help with domestic issues.
Offer to help and remember that healing requires that he/she gradually fill their time with new people and activities. Here are some things you can do to offer support to someone who has lost their spouse.

When you learn that a person has lost their spouse…

Don’t push for details. Let the bereaved talk about their loved one. Be a good listener.

Refer to the deceased by name.

Encourage the spouse to plan a wake, funeral, burial cremation, if you are in an appropriate position to do so.

Send flowers with a note (see suggestions for notes below) or offer a donation to an appropriate organisation.

Focus on the deceased’s life.

Ask to help make arrangements or do chores.

During the services…

Include siblings of all ages in the activities. Let them ask questions. Answer honestly.

Don’t feel guilty about saying or doing something that causes a loved one to cry or crying yourself. Crying is healthy.

After the services…

Send cards frequently — even six months after the death.

Remember birthdays and anniversaries of the death.

Keep in touch with the spouse. Don’t assume you know what they would like to do. Ask and offer assistance.

Losing a mate is one of the biggest losses one can experience. Encourage the bereaved to seek appropriate therapy. Offer to help with practical issues such babysitting, housekeeping or errands.

Praise the bereaved for small accomplishments.

Don’ts…

Don’t take control of the situation unless it’s requested. The spouse needs control to help work through grief.

Don’t expect things to be 'back to normal' in a certain timeframe.

Don’t bring up other people’s losses. Let the spouse focus on his/her loss.

Don’t pressure the spouse to take off their wedding band or clean out the deceased’s belongings. They need to do this in their own time.

What to say…

Use your own words to convey messages like these:

'It’s too bad he/she died. I will always remember him/her.'

'It’s so tragic. What you’re going through must be very difficult.'

'I’m saddened by your loss. We care and love you deeply.'

Don’t say…

'You have to be strong now for your children (or business).'

'Think about how lucky you are that you have children.'

'Do you think you’ll get married again?'

'Are you going to move?'

'God won’t give you more than you can handle.'

'You look great. I’m sure you’ll find someone new.'

Dealing With Grief — Suicide

Suicide — Doing and Saying Just the Right Things

When A Person commits Suicide

In our culture, suicide is particularly difficult for friends and family. Police are involved. An autopsy is required by law. In some cases, family and friends are suspected of foul play. Survivors often feel incredibly guilty that they didn’t do enough to prevent the tragedy. Here are some things you can do to offer support to friends and family when a suicide occurs.

When you learn that a person has taken his or her own life…

Don’t push for details. Let survivors talk about their loved one. Focus on the survivor’s needs and be a good listener.

Refer to the deceased by name.

If there was a note, ask the police for a copy. Survivors need this to help heal.

Make sure the deceased’s personal effects are returned to the family after the autopsy.

Encourage the family to plan a wake, funeral and burial (even if cremated), if you are in an appropriate position to do so. A suicide doesn’t mean friends and family aren’t grieving.

Send flowers with a note (see suggestions for notes below) or offer a donation to an organisation.

Help survivors deal with returning to the place of the suicide.

Focus on the deceased’s life — not his/her death.

Ask to help make arrangements or do chores.

During the services…

Include siblings of all ages in the activities. Let them ask questions. Answer honestly.

Don’t feel guilty about saying or doing something that causes a loved one to cry or crying yourself. Crying is healthy.

After the services…

Remember birthdays and anniversaries of the death.

Keep in touch with the bereaved. Many times friends and family shy away from the awkwardness suicide poses. Be there for them when they are ready.

Those close to the deceased, especially children and those who discover the body, need special attention. It’s wise to help them find appropriate therapy or a support group.

Don’ts…

Don’t suggest what you would do or how you would feel. You are not the issue.

Don’t shy away from being involved. Your support is valued, but don’t take control of the situation. Loved ones need control to help them work through grief.

Don’t bring up other people’s losses. Let friends and family focus on their loss.

Don’t pressure the family to clean out the deceased’s belongings. They need to do this in their own time.

What to say…

Use your own words to convey messages like these:

'It’s too bad he/she died. I will always remember him/her.'

'It’s so tragic. What you’re going through must be very difficult.'

'I’m saddened by your loss. We care and love you deeply.'

Don’t say…

'Didn’t you notice something was wrong?'

'How did he/she do it?'

'He/She was always a little emotional.'

'Didn’t his/her mother commit suicide too?'

'God won’t give you more than you can handle.'

Dealing With Grief — More Thoughts on Grief

More Thoughts on Grief

Other Considerations About Supporting the Bereaved

Each death is unique. Here are some thoughts about how you can be even more helpful to bereaved families in special situations.

People who are developmentally challenged, or mentally retarded, feel grief as intensely as other family members. Don’t overlook their needs.

Grief can affect performance in the workplace. Employers need to be especially sensitive to a grieving employees needs.

Mother’s Day. Father’s Day. Christmas. A birthday. An anniversary. Acknowledging the deceased on important days is not morbid or unnatural. Go ahead and share your memory with a grieving family member. The loved one is already on their mind. Let them know it’s OK to not feel OK.

Writing Eulogies

Writing Eulogies / Tributes that will be Remembered

The eulogy is usually the most personal part of a funeral service because it acknowledges the uniqueness of the deceased and his or her meaning to others.

It may seem easy to write a positive and honest eulogy for a family member or friend, but when the time comes it may be hard to deal with your own grief. So, it’s important to take some time to focus yourself before you begin. It is usually best to outline your eulogy before you try writing. Keep in mind that the average eulogy is about 5 to12 minutes long. The most meaningful eulogies:

Are presented by those closest to the deceased.

Include one or two stories about the deceased. Choose a funny story to start the eulogy. This will help people remember the happiness of the deceased’s life. Mention something that gave the deceased pleasure, for instance, playing music or sports.

Frequently reference the person who has died by name.

Mention the circumstances surrounding the death.

Capture the deceased’s important beliefs with quotes from people who were inspirational to him or her.

List some of the accomplishments of the deceased and the differences he or she has made in the lives of others. Include the memories of many different people.

Discuss how the deceased has affected your own life (in a positive way), as well as how his death has affected you. Be honest about your feelings. An honest eulogy is always more meaningful.

Acknowledge mourners’ pain and encourage them to exhibit grief.

Include family members who may tend to keep a 'low profile' (i.e. gay partners, ex-spouses; stepchildren etc.).

Elevate the message to deepen our awareness of mortality and appreciation for life.

Acknowledge the value of the guests’ presence to family and friends.

State that the deceased will be missed and will always be loved

Writing Eulogies - Choosing a Theme

Writing Eulogies - A Heartfelt Eulogy

Gathering the Building Blocks of a Heartfelt Eulogy

Facing the challenges of delivering a eulogy can be intimidating. However, the service you can do for the deceased’s family and friends is invaluable.

If you are prepared, you can limit stress and feel good about your part in celebrating the life of your loved one. The best way to get started in this is to gather the pieces of a cherished life. These are the building blocks of a genuine and heartfelt eulogy.

Make a List

Making a list of all relevant information about the person who died will start the organisation process. The following are suggestions you can put on the list:

Personal Information – full name, date and place of birth, age, cause of death, and places that he/she lived.

Family Information – spouse, children, grandchildren, parents, brothers and sisters, other significant family and friends, and include their places of residences of these and who of these are deceased. You should also include deceased’s pets.

Background – work and career information, education, hobbies and special interests, religion (church affiliation, etc.), civic organisations and activities, and military service.
Other Significant Aspects of Life – special life events, accomplishments and awards, significant beliefs, philosophies, and values.

Be sure to include funny and light-hearted stories. A funeral may be a sad occasion, but celebrating a life that included fun and laughter is appropriate and very much appreciated by those in attendance.

Include your own stories and things that were very personal to you, if possible. If you were close to the deceased, you are giving the eulogy for that reason.

Following these steps will put you on the right track for a heartfelt eulogy. After gathering these building blocks, you will find the task less intimidating.

How to Organise a Eulogy

Once you have gathered the pieces of the eulogy, it is important to organise them in a way that makes sense. It is critical to hit the most relevant points without rambling or getting lost. Using the following organizational method will help you stay on track.

Outline – include an introduction, middle, and a closing. The beginning of your outline should introduce the theme, the middle should go into details about the larger points, and the end should sum up the points and reaffirm the theme.

There are many ways to organise your main points once you are ready to get into the details of the outline. Generally, the type of theme you have chosen for the eulogy will dictate how you organise it.
Chronological Organisation – It is customary to use this method when your theme is a life history of the deceased. You can move chronologically from birth to death, or in reverse from the later stages of life and move back through time.

Shared Memories – In a more personal theme, you can take your memories of the deceased and share them in a logical order. Make sure you have good transitions from one memory to another. These memories can have a shared theme such as ways the deceased has been generous with you and/or to others. You could also share memories about places the deceased traveled to. Those are just two examples of common theme memories. You may think of many others.

Three Points Method – This is a common method that helps the speaker stay concise and logical. You choose three main pieces of information about the deceased that you want to share, or three key points that you want those present to receive from the eulogy. The vast majority of your speech will stay focused on those three points. Be sure to include them in the beginning of the speech, and summarise them and show how they relate to each other at the end of the eulogy.

After you accomplish your detailed outline, write a draft of the speech. The outline will make this easy. Follow your outline like a road map. After you get your eulogy written, you can polish it up and revise it to make it be the best fit for you and the theme you have chosen.

Writing Eulogies - Covering A Complete Life

Eulogies: Covering a Complete Life

Delivering a eulogy can be very challenging. In a time of grief, it is difficult to know what to say and how to say it. It is important to talk about the life of the one who died, but it is impossible to talk about the deceased’s life from infancy to death in a four to seven minute speech. Therefore, you probably should not try to fit a complete lifetime in the eulogy. However, you can still reveal a complete life.

Family – what kind of family person was the deceased? Parts of this illustration include the departed being a spouse, parent, grandparent, son or daughter, and sibling. Think of examples and anecdotes that will help to show this side of his or her life. For instance, one man was remembered as being a good father when his son recalled him driving all night after working overtime to be at his graduation.

Friend – What kind of friendship qualities did the eulogised have? Was she a good listener? Was he always offering a helping hand?

Professional – how did the deceased value his or her work life? You can discuss work ethic, for example.

Community – What kind of neighbour was the departed? Did he or she volunteer or give generously to charity? One woman was remembered by how she often provided lunch for the neighbourhood kids in the summertime and always gave them a safe place to go.

Other Unique Qualities – Was the deceased a master carpenter? Was she a fantastic cook? Some attributes here could cover the departed being a good artist, musician, writer, or even a philosopher.

Be sure to draw on the memories of those that can share a unique point of view. A daughter would be a good source for parent/child memories, for example.

Remember, the eulogy needs to be uplifting, but honest. If the deceased was an absent parent, don’t go on and on about how great he or she was with the kids. Concentrating on the good points of the various aspects of the deceased’s life will paint a rich and complete picture of the deceased. This type of approach will also make for a memorable, well-received eulogy.

Writing Eulogies - Getting Others Involved

Getting Others Involved in a Eulogy

Allow others to have input.
Once you have pieced together a good and heartfelt eulogy, draw on others to help you refine and polish it. Invite one or two of the loved ones to listen to your eulogy as you practice. They can help you feel confident about its appropriateness and help you include some light-hearted moments.

Seek out someone you can trust to be a backup in case you cannot deliver the eulogy yourself. Illness or another emergency could arise to make it impossible for you to give it. It is not out of the realm of possibility that the emotion of the occasion could prevent you from finishing the eulogy once you start. A backup can be an insurance policy that will put you at ease.

Finally, acknowledge the people that were closest to the deceased in the eulogy. The spouse and the children should be acknowledged. It is comforting to them to realise that everyone understands what a big part they were to the departed’s life. Parents, siblings, and other close friends can also be mentioned, if applicable.

A eulogy is about a life celebrated and honoured. Without family and friends, it is impossible to fully accomplish this. When a group of loved ones are included in the eulogy process, it ensures that it will be fulfilling and heartfelt.

Writing Eulogies - Do's and Don'ts

Eulogies: Do’s and Don’ts

Giving a eulogy is an important responsibility. It is a somber occasion and emotions are running high. It is important to give a positive, uplifting eulogy to stay appropriate to the occasion. If you focus on the positives and avoid the pitfalls, the eulogy will be a blessing to you and friends and family in attendance.

Stay focused on that when giving your eulogy. Talk about the better qualities of the deceased. However, it is important to be honest. Don’t embellish them. It is uncomfortable to hear things in a eulogy that you know are untrue (good or bad).

Tread Lightly with Humour - It can be useful and a source of relief at a funeral. However, it is important to be cautious when using it. Many times, humour can be un-welcomed. Some people are offended at any attempt at humour in a funeral, so be sure to keep the audience in mind.

With that in mind, it is a bad idea to tell a joke. Light-hearted memories and humorous stories can be appropriate, but think about everyone that was close to the deceased when deciding what is and is not appropriate.

Religious Themes - Most of the time, it is a good idea to avoid talk about religion or the afterlife, unless this is what everyone is expecting from you (and is part of the reason you were asked). In other words, play to the family. Seldom is everyone in attendance like-minded in matters of religion. Therefore, it is wise to be careful in this area and be sure not to bring discomfort to the family.

Inappropriate Memories or Anecdotes - A funeral is not the time or the place to reminisce about wild outings with the deceased or other stories that may not be appreciated by everyone in this somber setting. This is also not a place to air grievances with the deceased or take issue with certain aspects of his or her life. Revealing intimate details about the deceased is also inappropriate. Any anecdote should be considered as if the one eulogised would approve of it.

Stay clear of the trouble spots and concentrate on an uplifting and respectful speech.

Writing Eulogies - Deliver a Good Eulogy

How to Deliver a Good Eulogy

After doing all the work in the trenches preparing your speech, it is time for you to turn your attention to a good delivery. The way you address the audience is perhaps the most important part of the eulogy.
The delivery can be particularly challenging for a eulogy. Not only are you dealing with the shock or grief of losing a loved one, but you must also work to manage the stress of public speaking. Follow these tips to help insure a smooth delivery:

Practice

Write your speech out and practice it. Rehearsing helps you to know what kind of changes to make. Words and phrases sound differently when you hear them compared to just reading them.

Practicing also helps you get comfortable. Running through the speech a few times will help ease some of the emotion of it.

Relax

Doing what you can to put yourself at ease for the eulogy is invaluable. Beforehand, check out the room and the podium. Familiarise yourself with the environment so you know what to expect.

Do what you can to relax yourself before speaking. Take your time, pause when you need to, and take a deep breath. It is also helpful to have some water with you.
Writing Eulogies - Delivering a Light-hearted Eulogy

Delivering a Light-hearted Eulogy

As somber as funerals can be, it is not necessary to avoid being light-hearted when giving a eulogy. As a matter of fact, light-hearted moments can bring healing to you and other family and friends in attendance. Sharing happy memories of the deceased can be very uplifting and they are entirely appropriate during the eulogy. Fond memories that bring smiles can relieve tension and be a welcomed reprieve from the great sadness of losing a loved one.

Remember the line between light-heartedness and comedy.

Sometimes revealing an inside joke you may have had with the deceased is helpful in finding a light-hearted moment in the eulogy. This will give you an opportunity to relay a story and reveal the “punch line” to the guests. This can help family and friends feel closer to their loved one because they are let in on the inside. When one woman's brother told her a story about her father, she said with a smile, 'I have always wondered why he always said that!'

Although funerals are serious and sad times, using a lighter approach to certain aspects of the eulogy is a welcomed. It can relieve the tension when emotions run high. No one likes to say goodbye, but everyone welcomes a chance to celebrate a life well-lived with a smile.

Writing Eulogies - Handling Emotions During A Eulogy

How to Handle Your Emotions During a Eulogy

The death of a loved one is a stressful and emotional time. Dealing with the loss under normal circumstances is difficult enough. However, adding the extra task of giving the eulogy is particularly challenging.
It is a definite possibility that your emotions will come to the surface during your speech. Don’t fret it; it’s normal and even expected.

Keep eye contact to a minimum. If you are particularly concerned about maintaining your composure, consider avoiding eye contact with the audience. There will be guests that will react emotionally to parts of your message or just to the funeral itself. Emotion is contagious. Instead of looking the guests in the eyes, try to look just above the audience or just at the audience as a whole.

Speak slowly. During your speech, there will be some parts that will evoke emotion more than others. If you are concentrating on the flow of your speech, you will not be thinking as much about the emotionally charged parts of your speech.

Have a backup speaker lined up. There are two reasons for this. It is possible that you could get caught up in the emotion of the occasion and just not be able to finish. It is important to be able to complete the eulogy you worked so hard to put together. In addition, knowing that there is a backup, will give you confidence and ease some stress. You know it isn’t all on your shoulders and that may provide you enough security to help you get through.

Dealing with emotions is normal when giving a eulogy. Do not let it scare you from the job. When the guests see you dealing with the same grief that they are, they will feel connected to you and the eulogy

Funeral Etiquette — What’s appropriate.
Funerals are not only difficult for the funeral planner and the immediate family of the deceased, but they are also troublesome for friends, relatives and acquaintances as well. Typically, there are many questions confronting this group of mourners.

What do you say to someone who has just lost a loved one and how do you support them?

Whether you call, send a card or flowers, or visit, the important thing is to make a gesture that lets the family know you’re thinking of them and share their sorrow. (Although this appears to be changing slowly in today’s culture, such forms of communication as texts, emails, and Tweets are still too informal for expressing sympathy.)

When hearing the news…

Be a good listener. Let friends and family talk about their loved one and their death. If they don’t want to talk about it, don’t pressure them. Focus on the survivor’s needs.

Refer to the deceased by name.

How do I handle awkward questions about the death?

Be prepared to hear words of comfort that are awkward or seem inappropriate, such as, “You’ll get over it,” “It was her time,” or, “I know exactly how you feel, because I lost my little Poodle last week.”

Expect many questions regarding the circumstances of your loved one’s passing, especially if it was sudden, unexpected, or involved an accident.

Prepare a brief response and remember that you aren’t obligated to tell the entire story. Most people simply want to give you an opportunity to talk, although there are others whose morbid curiosity won’t be satisfied without hearing every detail. Including the cause of death in the obituary, if appropriate, can alleviate some of these questions.

Above all, if it is possible, be gracious to all who express sympathy, regardless of how inconsiderate or unfeeling their remarks might appear. They will someday be in your place and understand what is and isn’t inappropriate.

Funeral Etiquette — What to Say and What to Do

Funerals are not only difficult for the funeral planner and the immediate family of the deceased, but they are also troublesome for friends, relatives and acquaintances as well. Typically, there are many questions confronting this group of mourners. Funeral Etiquette — Offering Condolences

Expressing Condolences — Doing and Saying the Right Things

Acknowledging the Death

One of the reasons why people are so uncomfortable at a wake or funeral is because they’re not sure about what to do or say. While death may be an extremely uncomfortable topic, the worst thing you can do is ignore it when it occurs in the family of a friend or colleague. Doing nothing, or pretending it didn’t happen, is not good etiquette. Whether you call, send a card or flowers, or visit, the important thing is to make a gesture that lets the family know you’re thinking of them and share their sorrow. (Although this appears to be changing slowly in today’s culture, such forms of communication as texts, emails, and

Tweets are still too informal for expressing sympathy.)

When hearing the news…

Be a good listener. Let friends and family talk about their loved one and their death. If they don’t want to talk about it, don’t pressure them. Focus on the survivor’s needs.

Refer to the deceased by name.

Send flowers with a note or offer a donation to a charity or an appropriate research organisation.

Acknowledge the deceased’s life.

Don’ts…

Don’t take control of the situation. The grieving family need control to help them work through grief.

Don’t bring up other people’s experiences. Let the bereaved focus on their loss.

Don’t pressure the family to clean out the deceased’s belongings. They need to do this in their own time.

Don’t expect things to be 'back to normal' in a certain timeframe

Making Condolence Calls

If you can’t visit, a call expressing sympathy for the family is appropriate.

Don’t be surprised if the phone is answered by someone who is taking messages, or your call goes to voicemail; it may be too much of a burden for the family to answer each call individually. Your message of sympathy will still be valued and appreciated.

Keep your call brief in consideration of the deluge of phone calls usually experienced by families during a time of bereavement. Also, keep the focus on the bereaved; this is not the time to talk about yourself or to relate your own recent experience with losing a loved one or a dearly loved pet.

Be a good listener.

Focus on the survivor’s needs. Don’t ask questions about the circumstances or probe for details about the death.

Sending Sympathy Cards

A pre-printed sympathy card is the default choice for most people, and it’s an acceptable way to go. Consider, however, writing a personal note in the card.

Expressing Condolences

Whether you express sympathy via a visit, call, or card, your choice of words is important. It is appropriate and kind to let the family know how much you will miss the deceased, how dear he was, how she made the world a better place, or what an inspiration he was.

What not to say...

It is inappropriate to make statements that imply that the death was for the best or that show disrespect for the deceased. It is also inappropriate to probe for details of the circumstances of the death or the person’s final moments. Be careful about making spiritual or religious references unless you know those sentiments will be well received.

Follow Up

After the services...

Keep in touch with the bereaved. Be there for them when they are ready.

Remember birthdays and anniversaries of the death.

Offer to clean, cook or do other chores.

If appropriate, find out about support groups for bereaved parents and have the leader call the grieving parent to talk.

Send cards frequently — even six months after the death.

Praise the bereaved for even small accomplishments.

If the obituary specifically asks for donations to a charity in lieu of flowers, it is good etiquette to follow the family’s wishes.

When sending flowers, be sure both your first and last names are on the card accompanying the flowers, since the family may know several “Dawns” or “Freds.”

Sympathy Flowers — Selecting Appropriate Flowers

Traditionally, flowers are a way to represent growth, new life and movement forward. The natural beauty of flowers at a funeral and at the home of mourners brings a sense of warmth and comfort to the environment.Today, flowers are not mandatory, but they are one way people express their love for the deceased and concern for members of the family. Flowers can be ordered from a florist and delivered to the funeral home or residence.

Flowers for a funeral should arrive at our funeral home at least TWO HOURS BEFORE THE FUNERAL. If time does not permit delivery before, flowers or a plant can be sent to the home of the bereaved.

Traditional Funeral Flower Arrangements

Funeral flowers are generally categorised by their function; here are a few of the more commonly used arrangements to avoid any confusion when ordering:

Wreaths – These are circular floral arrangements, which represent eternal life.

Floral arrangements – Any type of floral arrangement, from cut flowers to basket and container arrangements.

Sprays – These are arrangements that allow viewing from one side only.

Casket sprays – These are usually organied by direct family members and sit on top of the casket.

Inside pieces – These are the items placed inside the casket, such as small floral sprays.

Sometimes Flowers are Not Appropriate

There are instances when flowers are not appropriate. Such as when the family requests that donations be made in lieu of flowers.

Choosing the Right Flowers

There are no particular types of flowers or colours that should be sent at funerals or homes of the bereaved. There are of course many favourites ... carnations, chrysanthemums, gladiolas, lilies and roses are traditionally used in funeral flower arrangements. In particular, white lilies represent peace and red roses are renowned for expressing love. If the deceased always loved being in the garden and had a favourite flower and colour, it would obviously be very comforting for the bereaved to receive an arrangement of such flowers.

Funeral Etiquette — Attending Services

Attending the Funeral or Memorial Service

Should you attend the funeral? Unless the funeral notice says it’s a private service, then you can assume the public is welcome, and you should go. Until you’ve lost a family member yourself, you won’t understand what a comfort it is to the family to see a full chapel [and] the seats packed with people who also care for and remember the deceased. … The family knows that attending a funeral is inconvenient, and that’s why they’ll never forget that you came.
Funerals today range from the rigidly ritualistic to the extremely informal. Don’t let fear of the unknown keep you from going. Even if you’ve never been to a funeral of another faith, your presence is appreciated, and if necessary, 0ur funeral director or clergy will tell the mourners what to do and when.

Arrive early. Services often are delayed because of the people who show up five minutes before the starting time and find they have to park a block away and then try to find a seat, perhaps after the service has already started. If there is a memorial book, be sure to sign it with your first and last names and, if appropriate, your relationship to the deceased. It is important to the family to see who attended the service, and they may use the memorial bbook to send thank-you notes.

Don’t try to seek out the family before the service; if you find that they are greeting people, keep your interaction brief and find your seat quickly.
Be respectful. Don’t chat with those around you or eat or drink anything (leave that latté in the car). Turn off your mobile phone; the last thing the family wants to hear is a ringer going off during one of life’s most solemn occasions. If you brought small children who start making noise or causing a distraction, take them outside immediately.

Tears are normal and expected at a funeral; however, if you find yourself crying uncontrollably, in a manner that would be upsetting to others or call undue attention to yourself, it is best to excuse yourself from the service until you can gain control.

An open microphone for sharing memories of the deceased is sometimes available at memorial services. If you decide to participate, keep your remarks respectful and brief. Long-winded or off-colour stories are inappropriate.

At a religious service, whether or not you agree with the rituals, try to go along to the best of your ability. Your cooperation shows respect for the deceased and the bereaved family rather than agreement with the religion.

If you are tempted to use your phone camera to photograph the service, think twice; this act can be seen by the grieving as an invasion of privacy. If you believe you have a legitimate reason for taking pictures, check with the family and/or funeral director or clergy first.
Children and Funerals

Should you take your children to a viewing or memorial service?

Children who are very young and can’t understand what is going on generally should not attend services, not only because they may disrupt the service, but also because the grief displayed during the service may be upsetting to them. It may be appropriate to take older children who knew the deceased and have at least a basic understanding of the service.

Children old enough to understand death also should understand the purpose of a funeral and be allowed to ask questions before or after the service and to work through their grief.

Addressing questions in advance also helps quiet spontaneous and potentially embarrassing questions during the funeral.
Recognise that children, like adults, may respond to grief with humour, behavioural issues. Be patient and tolerant.

Clothing at Funerals

For many people, wearing black to a funeral has been a symbol of grieving and sympathy. Although people are less sensitive about dress today, one still shows respect for the family by dressing in subdued colours and clothing that is conservative—that is, clothes that don’t call attention to yourself by being too casual, loud, or revealing

Crying at Funerals

Don’t feel guilty about saying or doing something that causes a loved one to cry or crying yourself. Crying is healthy. If, however, you find yourself weeping uncontrollably (you’re causing a scene or making other mourners uncomfortable), it is polite to excuse yourself until you regain control.

The cardinal rule is to ensure the focus is on the survivors, not on yourself and your grief. You are there to console the family, so don’t put them into the awkward position of consoling you.

Funeral Processions

The etiquette for driving in a funeral procession is fairly simple: follow the instructions of the funeral director (if applicable), turn on your headlights, and closely follow the vehicle ahead of you. Funeral processions generally have the right of way at intersections, and other vehicles should yield.

Graveside Services

There may be a public graveside service for interment after the funeral. If the cemetery is distant from the funeral, there likely will be a motorcade or procession. When you arrive at the cemetery, pull off to the side but don’t park on the grass unless directed to do so.

Keep in mind that the chairs at graveside are for the immediate family members (or the infirm); others will be expected to stand.

If you’re male, remove your hat during the service.

It is not polite to laugh loudly in a cemetery, engage in phone conversations during the service, or sit, walk, or lean on gravestones or markers.

Keep your children in check and remind them that this isn’t the park; games of hide and seek are inappropriate.

Avoid walking directly on graves if you can (stay between the headstones).

Photography should be done only with the permission of the family.

Pallbearers

If you are asked by the family to be a pallbearer, consider it an honour. You should accept if at all possible, unless physical limitations would keep you from helping to lift and carry the coffin. (If you must decline, do so with regret, and explain why.)
The funeral director will inform you of your duties at the funeral and, if applicable, at graveside. Pallbearers usually carry (or, in the case of honorary pallbearers, accompany) the casket to the front of the church or funeral home, to the hearse, and from the hearse to the burial site.

Photography at Funerals

If you have been specifically requested by the family to photograph the service—perhaps because certain family members couldn’t attend—do so with the utmost discretion, using natural light if possible rather than a flash, and avoiding close-up photos of grieving people.

Etiquette demands extreme respect for others; keep this tenet in mind when taking photos.

Photographing the deceased in the casket, unless the family has asked you to do so, is generally considered in very poor taste.

Viewings

If visiting at the funeral home, take a moment to stand by the coffin (if it is present) to pay your respects, whether you offer a silent prayer or simply reflect. Be sure to sign the guestbook or registry if one is available.

It is appropriate to bring along a card with a personal note and flowers.

Visiting the family home

Keep your visit brief, unless you are lending a hand or are encouraged by the family to stay longer. After you have expressed your heartfelt sympathy, asked if you can help in a meaningful way, and perhaps offered a warm memory or two, leave. This is not the time to “hang out,” talk about your own bereavement, or catch up on old times.

Funeral Etiquette — Memorial Donations

Memorial Donations — Finding Reputable Charities

More frequently, friends and family may encounter the phrase, 'in lieu of flowers, please make donations to...'

If the family has requested donations to a specific cause or charity in lieu of flowers, you can choose whether to make such a donation. Make sure the charity knows the name and address of the bereaved family so they can be notified of your kindness; even if you wish to remain anonymous, the family should be made aware that a donation has been received to commemorate their loved one (charitable envelopes are available to be filled in on all of our funerals).
Donations in the form of cash gifts to the family, even if they are in dire need, must be handled with discretion. Unless a bank account has been set up for donations,

Appropriate charitable organisations may include a favourite charity of the deceased. If he or she suffered an illness the specified charity may be a medical research organisation that works for a cure in that area. Selecting a charity that will make good use of the money is an important consideration

The Pallbearers

Clergy presiding at the funeral (also receive an honorarium; see Clergy.)

How Do You Remember Whom to Acknowledge?One of your most important tools during this time will be a simple notepad and pen.

Keep it handy, and note each call and visit; do not depend on your memory.

You can assign a friend or family member to keep this record.

Be sure to note first and last names and telephone numbers. It can be a great comfort in future days to see the support you were offered.

Sympathy Thank You Cards

What Do You Say in a Sympathy Thank You Note?

A simple 1 to 3 sentence thank you is all that is needed. You can purchase sympathy thank you cards that come with a preprinted message or blank note cards for your message. Even if you send the preprinted notes, you should add a brief personal message.

Use phrases such as:

Thank you for your sympathy and kindness
We deeply appreciate your expression of sympathy
Thank you for your support at this difficult time
Thank you for your prayers and thoughts
Thank you for the support and comfort you provided
Thank you for the beautiful floral arrangement
We appreciate your thoughtful donation in memory of our dearly beloved.
We are grateful for friends like you at this time of sorrow.
We appreciate having you with us at this difficult time in our lives. 

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